June being Pride Month, I thought I might share my own story. I had many years of owning up to the fact that I was more-or-less comfortable with being bisexual. But when the notion of non-binary identities became en vogue a few years back, I found I could add another identity to myself, albeit I was not entire sure what to make of it. I must admit that heterosexuals may find it a difficult concept to grasp, and indeed my ex-wife fell into that category. But how do you tell someone who is the most important person in the world to you that you feel neither male nor female?
I found I could embrace both gender roles if necessary, which allowed me to pass easily. It kept me physically safe on more than one occasion. If I ever felt I was acting too effeminate around another man, I would abruptly switch the topic to sports or business, and my cover would never been blown. There is a school of thought raging now about being true to one’s identify, regardless of the consequences. But coming out is a deeply individualistic act. I’m not proud of this, but I presumed that a friend’s parents knew she was queer and unintentionally outed her in front of them. Awkward.
Since then, I’ve been much more cautious. And I’m cognizant of the fact that there are two theories in existence going on right now . One says that until all queer people leave the closet, there will never be true freedom. Another is more conservative, recognizing that even in 2021, being LGBT and all the other acronyms present still has serious consequences. We forget how persecuted LGBT people are in other parts of the world. There are even radical outers, who feel it upon themselves to force significant people in the public eye to embrace who they really are.
I would never resort to such draconian measures. Does it really matter the degree of the experience, or how it occurs over a long enough period? And, yes, I must admit that some of us have an easier time of it, a less conspicuous one, certainly. As for my own life, as a young child (I use they/them) pronouns, I spent more time with girls than I ever did with boys. For a time that was a liability, as I was called a “sissy” until boys began being interested in girls. Then my proximity to girls was seen as an asset. I was perceived as a player.
But my heroes and my favorite authors have always been female. The same is true for my favorite musicians. I have a good voice and can possess a strong tenor voice, but I sing in my head to the pitch and timbre of a woman.These signs are so intensely subtle that most people don’t pick up on them, but they factor in to what we now call bigender or genderqueer. I always knew something was different about me, but I am a rare melding of genders.
This isn’t to say that I don’t have male friends, either. But I often hold them at arm’s length and don’t openly share details with them as I would with a woman. They intimidate me. I know some of their ways, but I hear their talk the same way I would, should I translate some hypothetical male foreign language I have learned back into English, my lingua fresca. So I have taken the time to share my story to try to educate the population who may not understand what gender non-binary really means. I’m figuring it out myself, to be honest. I could get indignant about having to play this role over and over, but if it mean greater understanding, so what?
I notice that there has been some pushback at these new identities, but the more medical science we uncover, the more we uncover the biological basis of alternative sexuality. This not to say that medical science is the end all, be all. We’re still not entirely sure if there is a gay “gene” (though I happen to believe in it), and often medicine can be frustratingly inexact. We are mammals with big brains and it’s amazing that we are such evolved beings as members of the same animal kingdom. There is much we don’t know, and some have ascribed God as the eternal creator. I do, but I know many others don’t, for their own reasons.
Who knows how much we’ll know in another years. In the 1980’s, queer groups were labeled either “Gay” or “Straight” with no in betwen. Now we have Gay, lesbian, bisexual, trangender, intersex, questioning—forgive me if I have left anyone else out. Critics think that we’ve gone too far, that this is overkill and ridiculous. All I can respond to negate those criticisms is that I feel what I feel. I know what I am and what I am not. I can’t pour the contents of my brain into the brain of my opposition to impart true understand. If only I could. There would be a lot less hate and misunderstanding in this world.
But having said that—Happy Pride!