Oh no! Obama just cost himself Iowa's electoral votes!
Whew! Thank the maker for the paper of record! The
New York Times wisely recognized that it's vital to the future of our country that we learn about how Jeb Bush is trying to control his weight
via the so-called "paleo" diet—whatever would we do without that information? But between paragraphs describing Jeb's newfound aversion to pasta and garlic bread, reporter Michael Barbaro drops an even more crucial fact:
The rigid abstemiousness runs the risk of putting him at a dietary distance from an American electorate that still binges on carbohydrates and, after eight years of a tea-sipping president, craves a relatable eater-in-chief.
Oh yes, that "tea-sipping president" (founding member of the
Choom Gang, by the way) alienated voters so profoundly with his delicate quaffing of British beverages that he won two elections.
There's something about that aromatic leaf that seems to twig reporters extra special when Democrats consume any liquid it's been steeped in. You may recall that the press went nuts a dozen years ago when John Kerry dared offend their coffee-loving sensibilities:
In January 2003, when his campaign was still young enough that Kerry would actually sit down with reporters in a relaxed setting, he and Crowley met for breakfast at the Holiday Inn in Dubuque, Iowa. "I'd like to start out with some green tea," Kerry told the waitress, who stared at him for a moment before responding, "We have Lipton's."
Lipton's would be fine, Kerry said, but the memory stayed with Crowley. "There were many green tea instances," she told the sell-out crowd of 450 at the Kravis Center's Cohen Pavilion. "There's a very large disconnect between the Washington politicians and most of America and how they live. Bush was able to bridge that gap, and Kerry was not."
Never mind that Lipton itself has long sold
plenty of green tea (even in the
Dubuque Walmart), a fondness of tea is undoubtedly the reason why Democrats have failed to connect with voters all these years. Hell, the
Times clearly even has polling to prove it. After all, how else would Barbaro know that the "American electorate ... craves a relatable eater-in-chief?"
As we await the full release of this critical new poll—Hillary Clinton is on tenterhooks, hiding her stash of darjeeling—Charles Gaba reminds us that we can at least take comfort in an eternal truth: If the choice is between tea sipping and tea bagging, we'll take option number one every time. Bottoms up!