I swear to fulfill, to the best of my ability and judgment in the narrowest technical sense allowed, this covenant, unless it results in an unacceptable reduction in my after-tax income:
I will respect commercially exploit the hard-won scientific gains of those physicians in whose steps I walk with whom I have no binding contracts or partnership agreements, and gladly share protect my proprietary interests in such knowledge as is mine with by suing those who are to follow, unless they cut me in for a piece of the action.
I will apply overcharge, for the benefit of my investment portfolio, the sick, by prescribing all the most expensive measures that are required their insurance companies can be conned into paying for, avoiding those twin traps of overtreatment uninsured patients and the therapeutic financial nihilism of socialized medicine.
I will remember ignore that there is art to medicine as well as science, and try to forget that warmth, sympathy, and understanding may outweigh the surgeon's knife or the chemist's drug.
I will not be ashamed to never say "I know not," nor will I fail to call in my colleagues when the skills of another are needed for a patient's recovery, unless they are one of my limited partners or have entered into a binding revenue sharing agreement with my Bahamanian shell corporation.
When it is profitable to do so, I will respect ignore the privacy of my patients, for their problems are not disclosed to me so that the world may know and pay commissions for the commercial rental of my patient list. Most especially must I tread with care in profit from matters of life and death. If it is given me to save a life, all thanks ca ching! ca ching! ca ching! But it may also be within my power to take a life; this awesome responsibility must be faced with great humbleness and awareness of my own frailty so for the really hopeless cases, I will try to get a large deposit up front. Above all, I must not play at God miss my Sunday round of golf.
When it is profitable to do so, I will pretend to remember that I do not treat a fever chart, a cancerous growth, but a sick an insured human being, whose illness may affect the person's family and economic stability, so I definitely won't forget to get that large upfront deposit. Otherwise, my responsibility includes excludes these related problems, if I am to care adequately for the sick unless, by chance, they can be billed to the patient's insurance company.
I will not try to prevent disease whenever I can, for prevention is preferable to cure does not produce a significant revenue stream.
I will remember that I remain a wealthy member of society, with special obligations to all privileges stemming from my power over my fellow human beings, those sound of mind and body as well as the infirm,especially those who don't take the precaution of getting a second opinion.
If I do not violate this oath, may I enjoy life and art, respected while I live and remembered with affection thereafter the blind forbearance of my peers and, if necessary, the best malpractice insurance that money can buy. May I always act so as to preserve the finest traditions of my calling my net worth and may I long experience the joy of healing those who seek my help sex with my female patients who are really hot.
Finally, under no circumstances will I treat patients who have political views with which I may disagree -- especially those damned Obama-loving Democrats.